A SERIES OF SMALL FIRES

#1: Denbigh Street, SW1V

Several cats and one woman destroyed in controlled explosions.

#2: Meadow Row, SE1

Building catches fire for no reason at all. 3 fatalities, 17 treated for serious injury.

#3: Mare Street, E8

Police surround two vehicles and set fire to them. Nobody arrested.

#4: Croydon Old Town, CR0

No fire discovered at premises, but emergency personnel act as though there is one.

#5: Boxall Road, SE21

Family dog spontaneously combusts. Only witnesses are two children, 9 and 11.

#6: Queens Road, SE15

Transit van ignited by gang, one man killed. Second man eaten. Emergency personnel not alerted. No motive known.

#7: Lambeth Road, SE1

One of hundreds of melted litter bins. Rubbish will have to collect in different ways.

#8: Shooters Hill Road, SE3

Man burns dog in litter bin. Doesn't know why.

#9: East India Dock Road, E14

Litter bin in early stages of combustion. Perpetrator likely in immediate area. I don't think it is me.

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