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08/11/13

One week ago this document was very different as it was a pure account of abuse the 3 children felt, but in truth that not my point anymore. The other two got the tougher deal to live with. And really the idea of me was to one day put the monster on his arse and give him back all the guilt and shame I carry for him, but in the man death so to dose the monster and the shame and guilt and the storey has crumble away and I see I did something very daft. I carry feeling for the monster as a 14 year old the easiest way to make things right. The monster showed no remorse and someone had to, my belief in my self-told me I could. Which really I could not. But the 14 year old saw the wrong that was done and understood that it was not ok. So he carry it as that 14 year old was the most spared by the monster, the monster and the man showed very little time which believe me when I tell you was sparing. The other twin his aim was to mould into his legacy. He did this threw hardness with holds and fists. Locking in a box, hold down in headlocks. The old sister was different; she was not allowed to fail. She was his darling girl as long as she preformed and jump threw his hoops.
The other child being my was made into a protector, I was told are let know of my own failed life and had to learn to fight. To teach me how to hurt people, something I don’t like doing and don’t practise. But I learnt how to physically abuse and more so he show me how to dominate other people, with fear and fret. But frets that can be back up with actions. I carry shame in myself for learning to do this, as I kid a practise how to control, but I am the protector and felt that this needed to be learnt so I can guard.
You see the monster forced demons into me by doing this, as it is against my nature. I fear death and that truth in myself makes me respect life, and feel that life should not be made harder by each other, so I have massive crewel ability passed onto but I don’t want to use them, I just want to make life better for people that what brings me joy. That’s what makes me a leader. But I have to keep distance and don’t think bad of me for this as script go deep and behaviour is learnt.
The monster action go beyond the three, but we are blood and one of use must carry this idea of inherent badness, as the man became a monster because of the line he was on he had a bad parent and so on and so on, looking back along that side of my family there’s a lot of evil there.
So as I child well my journey was set after I split with my first and only real love, as a very young man a sat that night and looked up at the star and new that she was perfect and that if it was good bye between use, there was no one else for me. So I went and felt that since I was to be alone forever it was my job to take on all that inherent evil and store it away, as if I am alone no one would feel its pain bar me. And the brother and sister where free to be normal, it really strange how true this has become.
AS though I have brilliance, I have great wasted talent but I can’t use it, as I must remain in shadow, well that’s not totally true I use it where I can. But I cannot receive acclaim that I really want. I have a responsibility and this responsibility drive me mad. Through I wish no one else that harm I still store it possible in me.

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