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12/12/13

Plus u will probably are might or might not worry about me and my head, although none of this is lie, and all comes from memory's it's not really the truth Eva. To do honest I can't wait till it's over, as it is exhausting revisiting all that is actually painful. But u have nothing to worry about Eva cause really that's all I'm doing picking old wounds. Sorry it is morbid but fascinating how I mind and parniod throught can take a poll and as I'm artist I have to use even if as a human I'd never like to mention it again. I had a psychotic episode brought on by getting a really hard time off people around me and stress and work really hard and long hr. I wouldn't sleep unless I was drunk. So back then I never really slept. I was hearing voice but I was never delusional as I even then new I was hearing thing and I didn't think it was really. Part of this is me try to make people feel the guilt they should feel for pushing me over the edge. Maybe it's just a needed some self rectification for that time in my life, which against all odd I got over like when I was a kid. Maybe it's because I now so much shit was said and I just wanted the record put straight, or at least say something.
I'v resolved most of this I'm comfortable talking about well I was I now just don't care and don't understand why I started this.
But really I am defiantly a mad man, but it's just art. So ye it's true kind of but not really I'm not really that miserable all the time. Most to my family despair that it is exploring my scripts and my rules and where they come from and like the woman one I grow up and watch men walk all over them so I decide that I'd end up being like that so I'll live alone extreme but it a part of my think and it is a boarder line trait I have keep distance the reason is different it  
I not want to be another one of those men how do what they want and cause harm I'd rather not give myself the oppitiunity I hope u have worried about me and myselfs that's was kind of the piont.
But it also not ettirely me
I actaully not that sad
I defiantly not ill like I was
I really strange thing is I only know how to write about the dark.
Life has change and it's not back together since falling draminicly as it did. But I am try to enjoy it and this is the past.
If I was making work about my head know it would be about bills and a job And how badly I miss having a studio So I don't hear anything these days, 2 understand it u have to understand flight or fight. When my in-stink set it I  was a possum and I made a smell and played dead I guess.
I sending this to let u know that this isn't a cry for help. Must ignored my cry anyway and decided to just lath in my face this actually also happened it really is no wonder I lost it I was in the midle of a diseased pit of egos music scene art scene not the really people make art the people how are scene to be making art I also want them to now I could if I wanted to rip there world in two, just don't want to be like them.
It's and account a statement. I'm glad I made it. But I'm not there anymore I'v moved on I moved on about six mouth back finally. So again it's true but it's not basically I'm not sad all the time and it's not that heavy anymore Thought I should put your mind at rest I would then do anything daft so I defiantly wouldn't now.

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